2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully


NEW WASHINGTON—Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively
stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year
2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures
recorded in the United States in 2012. "To think that we were concerned
about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then, I guess at
that point we must have still had some kind of perceivable ozone layer,"
Gibson said fondly while reapplying the full-body coat of UV-resistant
resin he and his fellow citizens of the 43 contiguous United States wear
at all times. "Today, you wouldn't think twice about a 96-degree day in
the middle of February, but a mere decade ago you would look up at the
skies waiting for snow. Christ, those were the days, man." Gibson then
recounted at length to reporters the story of how he and his family
narrowly escaped the Eastern Seaboard during the abrupt and tragic
events of March 2019.
[From The Onion, of course.] 
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